Monday, January 23, 2012

Its not all sunshine and rainbows

I knew that being a mom would be hard, really hard.  But I wasn't prepared for it to be this hard. 

I know from reading other blogs that Leigha by many standards would be an incredibly easy baby, and I really hate to even talk about this because of that.  I feel like I am complaining, and I am, but I really shouldn't comparatively.  She likes to play and is OK with smiling, she is really easy to read as far as eating, cuddling, diaper changing, that kind of thing.  However once the sun goes down, a completely different baby comes out of the woodwork.  She gets incredibly fussy, cries all the time, only wants me, wont eat hardly for anyone else, doesn't want her diaper changed by anyone else, she screams like someone is trying to tear her arms off if Richard tried to give her a bath or change her or put her lotion on her, change her clothes.  Basically if I'm not doing it, she doesn't like it. 

This is incredibly hard for me.  Its been 6 months and I have yet to figure out how to balance work and being a Mom.  I work from home and everyone that I know tells me how lucky that I am and that I get to spend all day with her and its the ideal situation.  It is in the respect that I don't have to take her to daycare, but its not because I still can't be around her because when I work, I have to work.  I have gotten in trouble recently because I take more time to be with her because she cries so much when others try to do things for her and ultimately end up coming to me for help, or I come out to help.  Its hard.  No one tells you about this part.  I asked several of my friends who do medical transcription how they did and they all hired help.  I can't.

She still isn't sleeping though the night.  She doesn't take naps except for 30 minutes 2-3 times a day, and only if she is exhausted do the naps get to be in the 1-2 hour range.  I would sleep when she does except for that when its light outside I can't sleep, or I'm so worked up trying to get her down or happy again that by the time I actually get tired, she is waking up.  She wakes up 1-2 times a night every night.  She will go down between 11-12.  wake up at 3, wake up at 6 and then up for the day between 8-9.  And lately she has begun this really fun stage of when I put her to sleep and put her in her crib she immediately wakes right back up again and is wide awake for a while before she will go back to sleep.  She does this for naps, in the middle of the night.  I just don't know what to do.  I am at a loss.  I do the whole keep the room dark, don't talk, don't look or smile, no diaper changes unless she wakes up a 3rd time in one feeding period.  I will admit, I have let her cry more than once.  I just don't know how to get her to stay asleep when I put her in her bed.  I'm at a loss.

I had such big plans for what this was supposed to be like.  I would take care of her during the day and have fun and be a mom and then I would go to work and she would nap until Richard came home then he would play with her and watch her and get her ready for bed and she would be asleep by 9 and then would be sleeping through the night by 3 or 4 months and we would start this all over again the next day.  My reality couldn't be further from my dream and I don't know how to get it back to where it needs to be.   

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